Better Life Habits

What you can't tell by looking at someone...

On any given day people that you interact with could be:

• Afraid of losing their job
• Concerned about finances
• Suffering from crippling self-doubt
• Dealing with a difficult child
• Having marital problems
• Working for a jerk of a boss
• Coming down with something
• Coping with the death of a friend or family member
• Supporting someone close to them who is very ill
• Having car trouble
• Exhausted from making difficult decisions about an aging parent
• Reeling from just being yelled at
• Coming off of a night of poor sleep
• Distracted due to overwhelm
• Afraid of being exposed as incapable at work
• Feeling lonely

People mess up. They say they wrong thing, do something insensitive, fail to live up to promises, look at you funny, or do substandard work. It's frustrating and hurtful being on the receiving end of those kinds of behaviors, but in most cases we'd do well to allow for the possibility that just maybe the slight isn't about us. Consider that though we can't tell by looking, there could be a reasonable explanation for what just happened. Perhaps one of the above situations describes what that person is dealing with -- and then treat them with kindness.

How do YOU react to the misery of others?

A current news story shares the predicament of a 69 year old grandmother in France who was locked in her bathroom for three weeks before being rescued. She banged on pipes to attract the attention of her neighbors. But the neighbors thought the excessive noise was being made by workmen and started a petition to cease the incessant banging. You can read the story here...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40351842/ns/world_news-europe/from/toolbar

For me, an equally fascinating part of a story is how people react to it, so I often read the comments that follow. For this story, a few broad categories of responses emerged...

1. Poor thing, it must have been so traumatic.
2. How sad that her children and grandchildren don't call her regularly to check on her.
3. Her neighbors are French so of course they are selfish, unfeeling and punitive.
4. She is French so of course she is dumb enough to get stuck.
5. Why did she lock the door to go to the bathroom if she lived alone?
6. Walls in apartments are paper thin. Why didn't she try to break through a wall?

This is what we do. We react to what's happened to other people or what other people have chosen to do. It's what we've been doing forever it's just that now we have a forum for the masses to hear or read the opinions that we are certainly entitled to have -- but they sure can be mean.

"You are dumb. You are wrong. You are selfish. You are a bigot. I am smarter. I am right. If I could just help everyone be as wise as me." If we heard someone those exact words we would recoil at the arrogance of it. But usually we're smart enough not to say those exact words. We've learned to sugarcoat it or veil it in "opinion."

We do this at work and with our friends. We do it where we volunteer and with our families. We do it regarding news stories and politics and the latest celebrity scandal. Children and young adults learn early to do it to each other.

Of the six reactions above, only one (the first one) is based on enough fact to have any merit. How often do our own reactions in other situations fall into the other five categories? I'm an opinionated sort so I fear I may fall into those categories way more often than I'd like to admit. Though I guess I just did.

If an opinion has the potential to be cruel/judgmental/mean-spirited, a good self check could be: Is what I'm about to say/write kind? Is it true? Is it well-researched? Is it helpful? Will the world suffer greatly if I don't share my opinion?

Misrepresenting oneself...and other bad habits

 

Virginia Thomas is in the news. Evidently she left a voice mail for Anita Hill asking her to apologize for testifying that Clarence Thomas, Virginia's husband, sexually harassed Hill. This blog is not a political forum and I'm not going to get into whether Thomas did what Hill said he did -- though of course I have an opinion. What I find interesting about the whole thing is how Virginia Thomas explained her reasons for asking for the apology. She said she was extending "an olive branch to [Hill] after all these years" and that "certainly no offense was ever intended."

Really?

Just to make certain, I looked up what "extending an olive branch" is supposed to mean. It is "making a peace offering" just as I thought. And so Virginia Thomas believes that asking Hill to apologize is a peace offering. In truth it is actually more akin to hitting Hill with a stick.

When something controversial, unkind, or potentially inflammatory is said -- one should be prepared to accept the consequences. Pretending that "no offense was intended" when that was precisely the intention is cowardly. Mrs. Thomas called Anita Hill a liar. That she continues to defend her husband is admirable if she truly believes his innocence. But she left a message that she knew would re-ignite a firestorm, and then tried to put herself above the fray by misrepresenting her intentions.

So what productivity-related habit does this relate to?

E-mail in the workplace is fraught with opportunities to spew thinly veiled venom and then plead ignorance when the recipient is offended. Whether the first e-mail begets a continuous thread of escalating bad behavior or causes trails of acid-fueled gossip around the water cooler -- productivity  and relationships suffer. Passive aggressive behaviors serve no one and hurt everyone.

What I see happening in the workplace is that we are hiding behind e-mail to say things we should be discussing face-to-face. And often e-mail gives us the courage to be ruthless. Rather than building closer connections, e-mail can erode our ability to relate to each other as people.

Being angry is OK. Having a strong opinion is OK ,too. Wanting someone to stop whatever annoying thing they are doing is entirely reasonable. But as grownups it's our responsibility to learn how to communicate like grownups. And when we willfully decide we're not going to, we need to admit it.

If you or someone you know needs to learn how to approach a challenging conversation, I can help.

Better Cell Phone Habits for Job Hunters

I'm contacting applicants who are applying for an entry-level position and I'm stunned by how they handle their cell phones. It's competitive out there people! With lots of applicants for few positions, it doesn't take much to be eliminated from the pool of candidates.

Here are a few simple tips for folks who are looking for a job and therefore have distributed a resume:

1. Try not to answer your phone sounding hostile because you don't recognize the number calling you. You have a resume out there, remember? You may be receiving calls from people you don't know yet. Other than your resume, your voice, in this moment, is the first impression you are giving.
2. When you answer the phone, begin speaking immediately with the caller by starting with a cheerful "hello", or "This is Bob (if that's your name)." Don't continue to have the face-to-face conversation you were engaged in and assume once you've answered, the caller will hang on, listening to your other conversation, until you are ready. If you can't end your conversation when the phone rings, then let the call go to voice mail.
3. Return calls when you can be focused on the call. Multitasking is a dumb idea anyway, but it's REALLY dumb when you are trying to make a good, professional impression.
4. Don't return calls when you are engaging in heavy lifting, exercise or walking your dog. Hearing your heavy breathing during this initial get-to-know-you phase is really...awkward.
5. Be careful about talking on the phone outside when there is any kind of wind. It may sound fine to you but to the caller it sounds like you are in the middle of a typhoon. And it hurts the eardrums.
6. Do not butt-dial the caller after you've gotten off the phone. And especially don't do it multiple times.

I feel much better, now back to these calls. Wish me luck. Yeesh.

Do your non-verbals match your words?

While on vacation I went for a run in unfamiliar territory. A residential area, at one point I was charged by two barking dogs. Now I've never met a dog I didn't like so instead of being afraid, I stopped and tried to make friends. I started talking to the dogs in a sweet sing-songy (probably annoying-to-humans) voice and at the same time raised my hands up by my shoulders to show I was no threat.

Until it occurred to me that dogs, not being as familiar with armed robbery as humans, may have interpreted my raised hands as an attack posture instead of a submissive one. Despite the friendly words I was saying, the visual told them I was menace. Duh.

(At that point the owner called the dogs, who trotted into the house and I went on my way.)

How many times is our body language a mismatch with the words we're saying or the image we're trying to project? Any of these sound familiar?

• Networking to "build relationships" and instead of giving full focus on the current conversation, scanning the room for other people to meet.
• Assuring the other person you are listening, but continuing to check messages or text.
• Taking phone calls during meetings or meals.
• Saying "I agree" or "I accept your apology" while standing with your arms crossed across your stomach.

As with most other stuff I write about, I'm as guilty as the next guy of doing these things occasionally. And when I do, the offense is with people I know well and so think I can get away with it. Awareness and focus are mandatory in order to stop the behavior, so I'm focusing on being aware.

I'm curious if you have other examples. If so, share!

So. Who is living the fairy tale?

Over the holidays I read the biography of Grace Kelly. She died  25 years ago and while I knew a little about her -- beautiful, accomplished actress, princess, mother -- I knew very little of her back story. The media spotlight on Princess Diana and her sister-in-law, the Duchess of York, had done enough to make even most of us die-hard romantics realize that fairy tales really are just that. But before I read the book I thought Princess Grace probably had it pretty good.

The outside picture was of a child of privilege who turned into a stunning, Oscar-winning actress who became a beloved Princess and wanted for nothing.

Hoo boy was I wrong. Overbearing, verbally-abusive parents, seriously troubled siblings, a serially poor chooser of men, a strained marriage, willful children (in their youth), and a chronic sadness about abandoning the acting career she loved. being a Princess was not at all what she had assumed.

I've looked at acquaintances in a room or an office and thought, "Wow. They've really got it all." The problem with assuming that about people is that then we also set up expectations for how they should behave based on the imaginary life we've constructed for them. And when they don't behave that way we can pass inaccurate judgments about them.

Often we never know enough about another person to know what they are grappling with on a daily basis. Maybe the best plan is to assume that like ourselves, everyone is dealing with something challenging and so with open hearts and minds, we decide to support them in whatever way we can. Even if that support takes the form of simply choosing not to judge.

Put into practice it has sweeping ramifications on our daily interactions.

News Flash: Just complaining is not productive.

Arguably, if one is of that mindset, there is much that can be complained about. Globally, nationally (regardless of who is elected), in the office, in the home. If someone wants to complain they will most assuredly find something to complain about and just as likely collect others who will jump on the grousing bandwagon.

So the question I ask of complainers is, what are your going to DO about it? Complaining is easy, requires no training and little imagination. It also erodes productivity. It wastes time, brings everyone down and does nothing to change the situation.

I've been in a couple of negatively charged situations recently where I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee from the room. Stop with the complaining already!

Make it a habit to be a part of the solution. If you don't know what the solution should be, all the better. Engage people in thoughtful, reasonable discussion. Don't assume everyone within earshot agrees with your complaints. Learn about different ways of looking at issues and situations. Devise a plan - whether you hope to make an incidental or significant impact - to do something to change what inspires you to complain.

Whew. I feel better now.

More later.

Are you an escalator or an elevator?

Have you ever gotten an e-mail that reads rather nasty in tone? Of course you have. E-mail is modern day body armor. People will say stuff on e-mail they would never have the guts to say face-to-face. What do you do when you get one of those e-mails?

If you fire something back of equal or greater rudeness, you're an escalator. You take a bad situation and escalate it to new heights (or depths) of passive aggressiveness. It may feel good in the moment to "show them I won't be talked to that way" but we all know it's just going to get uglier and what does that accomplish other than providing evidence that two people can be unprofessional and childish? Bravo.

On the other hand, what if, upon receiving such an e-mail, you elevated the level of understanding and professionalism? You don't take the bait that nasty e-mail sender is dangling, ignore the veiled dig and respond in a way that reflects your values and maturity. I'm thinking that might be the better option.

We know in our gut when we are crafting an e-mail in such a way as to be able to twist the knife and deny our intention to do so at the same time. Think carefully about participating in this no-win battle of words. Certainly resist the temptation to start such an e-mail thread and most definitely refuse to participate in an ongoing one.

Interview with The Nametag Guy

I recently had the chance to ask Scott Ginsberg, world authority on how to be more approachable, a few questions.

  This is Scott.

Q. You’ve made a name for yourself being the “Nametag Guy”. In fact sometimes when I share a great idea I heard from Scott Ginsberg I’ll add, “You know, The Nametag Guy,” and the recognition is instant. How many days have you been wearing a nametag now?

A. 3,053 days! (9 years)

Q. I understand you have a new book coming out. What’s it called and what’s it about?

A. STICK YOURSELF OUT THERE. It's about how to get noticed, get remembered and GET business. Also how to attract more opportunities and clients into your life. 

Q. You’ve written a number of books, what new ideas can readers familiar with your previous work expect?

A. If all seven of my previous books got married, then had a child, and that child was fed steroids, that would be my new book.

Q. Who should read this book?

A. Entrepreneurs and small business owners or solo-preneurs.

Q. Where can people get a copy?

A. Amazon or www.nametagTV.com 

Q. Other than wear a nametag, what’s one thing everyone can do to be more approachable?

A. More approachable is something that comes from your core. Being cool with who you are as a person and willing to be open and vulnerable to the world around you. You don't need a nametag.

Q. Social networking sites are great ways to be more approachable – and you’re the expert there. So what do you think about connecting with people you don’t really know, but have mutual connections? Do you do it?

A. Facebook is great, Twitter is great. You just need pick your social networking wisely. Don't spread yourself too thin.

Q. Anything else you’d like to share?

A. I'd like to share this acronym I've developed: SOFAT. Create a product that people can (S)tumble upon, (O)bsess over, (F)all in love with, become (A)ddicted to and (T)ell their friends about.

Q. One more question. Did the tattoo hurt? (Scott has a nametag tattooed on his chest.)

A. It hurt like hell. Imagine getting 1000 shots for an hour.

 

We teach what we allow

I have three dogs. Or I should say "we" have three dogs. I hardly want to be held solely accountable for the canine insanity and vet bills around here. All three were rescued somehow and one of them has issues. You could call it small dog complex, or abundance issues, whatever you want. But a few months ago it started to get serious. I've included a picture of him here so you can assess his scariness yourself. He weighs 11 pounds.

Ivan the Terrible is his name, and yes, we do feel somewhat responsible for creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by naming him that. But his original name was Taco, so can you blame us?

Awhile back he started to growl and nip and even bite. I've had dogs my entire life and never had one that would do this. It's scary and disturbing. I'm strongly against ditching a dog for behavior issues unless there is no alternative and I knew there had to be something we could do.

So I started watching Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, in the hopes that I could learn how to tame the beast. I've long held that dog training is not about training the dog, but about training the human how to handle the dog.

In watching Cesar I learned a lot more than I expected. Though I could go on for pages about how much smarter my family is getting about our dogs, I strive to keep these posts short so I'll get to the point.

When Ivan growled and bared his teeth I (and everyone else in the family) would retreat -- quickly. I learned that what this taught Ivan is that he is the pack leader and the humans in the house will bow to his will. Without realizing it we were making the problem worse by allowing him to win. Cesar taught me that when Ivan growls, I need to hold him firmly by the scruff of the neck, my fingers mimicking the hold his mother would have on him with her mouth. I cannot back down until he stops growling and submits to me. Only then am I the pack leader.

So how in the heck does this translate to productivity in the workplace and habits?

Think about someone you know who makes it difficult to work with them. Every time you ask them to do something for you they "growl" at you or otherwise make it very unpleasant to be around them. Our tendency is to get away as quickly as possible and avoid contact with that person in the future -- even if that means doing their job yourself. Just like Ivan, what we're teaching them is that their growling will get the result of making you go away and lessening their workload while increasing yours.

If you run into this situation I don't suggest grabbing that person by the scruff of the neck until they submit -- unless you have a job as wrestler -- but I do suggest standing up to that person in an assertive but non-confrontational way.

When they cop that attitude with you, simply explain that this interaction makes you feel unwelcome, and what can you do to avoid that feeling the future. Notice that I'm not suggesting that you tell the other person what they're doing wrong or backing them into a corner. Just stand your ground with professionalism and kindness. State your request in a manner that it allows them to work with you in a collaborative way to make things work better for both of you.

As with Ivan, I can't promise that one encounter handled the new way will fix things forever. It may take a few tries. But in the long run it's better than having to send your co-worker to the pound.