Better Life Habits

Politicians, bullies and hope for a return to kindness.

 
To a person, everyone I spoke to who had something to say about the recent election agreed that the advertisements were disgusting. Adults doing nothing more than spewing inflammatory garbage about their opponent instead of using their time and dollars to tell us what they were going to DO if elected. I was grateful for the mute button and my ability to hum loud enough to drown out the dreck. The passing of election day has diminished the quantity of the attacks, but the name calling continues. And it all stems from the fact that people have very differing opinions about what is right.

Also a very big topic in the news these days is bullying. Far too many heartbreaking stories about children and young adults who have chosen to end their lives to escape the barrage of hate directed at them from their peers. Hate that stems from people being labeled "different".

Reasonable adults express shock and dismay at the cruelty of the young people. But with the examples being set, should we be surprised? Remember the politicians? The pundits? On a more personal level perhaps, who hasn't witnessed (or even participated in...I'm guilty) office gossip that stems from one person taking offense at how a co-worker behaves or handles a situation?

What a different world we could live in if before we react, we ask ourselves, "Is this the kind thing to do?" Or if a difference of opinion needs to be addressed, "How can I talk about this and still be kind and considerate?" Taking just a moment to think could give us the time to choose a different, gentler path. What a terrific habit that would be.

I'm a huge proponent of progress, rather than perfection. I don't expect very many of us can say with certainty that we won't stumble more often than we'd like. But even trying will make a difference. I'm not Pollyanna enough to think we'll change the behavior of politicians. (Though I do wonder how they justify to their children their derisive advertisements and speeches -- while telling their children not to be bullies.) But I can start with me and you can start with you. And that's a start.

Misrepresenting oneself...and other bad habits

 

Virginia Thomas is in the news. Evidently she left a voice mail for Anita Hill asking her to apologize for testifying that Clarence Thomas, Virginia's husband, sexually harassed Hill. This blog is not a political forum and I'm not going to get into whether Thomas did what Hill said he did -- though of course I have an opinion. What I find interesting about the whole thing is how Virginia Thomas explained her reasons for asking for the apology. She said she was extending "an olive branch to [Hill] after all these years" and that "certainly no offense was ever intended."

Really?

Just to make certain, I looked up what "extending an olive branch" is supposed to mean. It is "making a peace offering" just as I thought. And so Virginia Thomas believes that asking Hill to apologize is a peace offering. In truth it is actually more akin to hitting Hill with a stick.

When something controversial, unkind, or potentially inflammatory is said -- one should be prepared to accept the consequences. Pretending that "no offense was intended" when that was precisely the intention is cowardly. Mrs. Thomas called Anita Hill a liar. That she continues to defend her husband is admirable if she truly believes his innocence. But she left a message that she knew would re-ignite a firestorm, and then tried to put herself above the fray by misrepresenting her intentions.

So what productivity-related habit does this relate to?

E-mail in the workplace is fraught with opportunities to spew thinly veiled venom and then plead ignorance when the recipient is offended. Whether the first e-mail begets a continuous thread of escalating bad behavior or causes trails of acid-fueled gossip around the water cooler -- productivity  and relationships suffer. Passive aggressive behaviors serve no one and hurt everyone.

What I see happening in the workplace is that we are hiding behind e-mail to say things we should be discussing face-to-face. And often e-mail gives us the courage to be ruthless. Rather than building closer connections, e-mail can erode our ability to relate to each other as people.

Being angry is OK. Having a strong opinion is OK ,too. Wanting someone to stop whatever annoying thing they are doing is entirely reasonable. But as grownups it's our responsibility to learn how to communicate like grownups. And when we willfully decide we're not going to, we need to admit it.

If you or someone you know needs to learn how to approach a challenging conversation, I can help.

No Phone Zone

For years I've been suggesting to clients -- and anyone else who will listen -- to use time in the car to think-- and to STAY OFF OF THE PHONE.  I'm not a fan of multitasking in most cases, and talking on the phone (or worse, texting) is a multitasking habit that can have, and has had, grave consequences.

Statistics show that being on the phone is akin to driving drunk. It reduces brain activity associated with driving by 37%. For those who say talking on the phone is the same as talking to a passenger, I politely disagree.

As you may know, in January Oprah launched her No Phone Zone campaign and today is officially No Phone Zone Day. Ideally, starting today people would forever stop texting and talking on the phone in the car. Is that likely? No.

Some thoughts and steps in the right direction...

• Never text and drive. Never. Don't read texts. Don't write texts. If you've done it in the past and escaped any negative consequences, consider yourself lucky and know that luck will run out.
• Business-people are busier than ever and I hear almost every day that if time in the car isn't used to make phone calls there is no way that sufficient work can get done. So if you feel you must continue to conduct business from your car, at least vow to use voice dialing and hands-free equipment. Even that is not ideal, but it's a step.
• Consider where you are when you are on the phone. It's astounding seeing parents on the phone in the car line at school during drop-off and pick-up times. What does it say to a child that whoever is on the phone is more important than being in the moment to wish them a good day or to give them full attention greeting them at the end of the day? And, moreover, kids model parent's behavior. It's hypocritical for parents to scold or be surprised if their new teenage driver takes on the bad phone habits learned from years of watching their parents do the same.
• How important is the call? If something tragic happened and you had to tell the story about why you were on the phone at that time, how would you feel? Even if all that happened is that you wreck your own car -- no injuries -- how mad would you be at yourself?
• Almost every day I hear people lament about how busy life is. How there's barely a moment to relax on this giant hamster wheel of life. Well, the world isn't going to slow down for us so we have to proactively take back control of our own time and set boundaries. You want some quiet time? Make your car a No Phone Zone.
• Visit www.nophonezone.com to read sobering statistics, find out about resources to help you make a shift in your phone habits, and to take the No Phone Zone pledge. 

One Day Without Shoes

 

Today is One Day Without Shoes and the organizers are "asking people to go the day, part of the day or even just a few minutes, barefoot, to experience a life without shoes firsthand, and to help spread awareness of the impact a simple pair of shoes can bring to a child's life."

I saw the owner of TOMS on television this morning and he said and that in one area he visited, children are not allowed to go to school without shoes. So many kids either share shoes in order to get some schooling, or are unable to attend at all because no one they know has any shoes.

The company who came up with One Day Without Shoes is TOMS www.toms.com  For every pair of TOMS shoes sold they give away a pair of shoes to a child who has none. And that's not just today. It's every day for every pair of shoes they sell.

So I'm going to spend some time without shoes today. And I'm also going to go out and buy a pair of TOMS.

Imus and the 1st Amendment

It's fascinating how many people are up in arms about Don Imus being fired for his on-air comments. Many people feel the 1st amendment, specifically his right to free speech, is being trampled.

But does the 1st amendment guarantee a person's right to say whatever they want -- with no consequences? I think not.

We enjoy the inalienable right to speak our minds whenever and wherever we wish. You can tell your spouse those pants make her look fat and tell your boss he's an insufferable micromanager. Go ahead! Will you get thrown in jail? No. But will there be consequences of some sort? Most assuredly there will be.

What this is about is making the choices that get you the consequences you want, rather than the consequences you don't want. It's that simple. Don Imus chose to use the words he did and in the current social climate it got him fired.