Better Life Habits

Politicians, bullies and hope for a return to kindness.

 
To a person, everyone I spoke to who had something to say about the recent election agreed that the advertisements were disgusting. Adults doing nothing more than spewing inflammatory garbage about their opponent instead of using their time and dollars to tell us what they were going to DO if elected. I was grateful for the mute button and my ability to hum loud enough to drown out the dreck. The passing of election day has diminished the quantity of the attacks, but the name calling continues. And it all stems from the fact that people have very differing opinions about what is right.

Also a very big topic in the news these days is bullying. Far too many heartbreaking stories about children and young adults who have chosen to end their lives to escape the barrage of hate directed at them from their peers. Hate that stems from people being labeled "different".

Reasonable adults express shock and dismay at the cruelty of the young people. But with the examples being set, should we be surprised? Remember the politicians? The pundits? On a more personal level perhaps, who hasn't witnessed (or even participated in...I'm guilty) office gossip that stems from one person taking offense at how a co-worker behaves or handles a situation?

What a different world we could live in if before we react, we ask ourselves, "Is this the kind thing to do?" Or if a difference of opinion needs to be addressed, "How can I talk about this and still be kind and considerate?" Taking just a moment to think could give us the time to choose a different, gentler path. What a terrific habit that would be.

I'm a huge proponent of progress, rather than perfection. I don't expect very many of us can say with certainty that we won't stumble more often than we'd like. But even trying will make a difference. I'm not Pollyanna enough to think we'll change the behavior of politicians. (Though I do wonder how they justify to their children their derisive advertisements and speeches -- while telling their children not to be bullies.) But I can start with me and you can start with you. And that's a start.

Misrepresenting oneself...and other bad habits

 

Virginia Thomas is in the news. Evidently she left a voice mail for Anita Hill asking her to apologize for testifying that Clarence Thomas, Virginia's husband, sexually harassed Hill. This blog is not a political forum and I'm not going to get into whether Thomas did what Hill said he did -- though of course I have an opinion. What I find interesting about the whole thing is how Virginia Thomas explained her reasons for asking for the apology. She said she was extending "an olive branch to [Hill] after all these years" and that "certainly no offense was ever intended."

Really?

Just to make certain, I looked up what "extending an olive branch" is supposed to mean. It is "making a peace offering" just as I thought. And so Virginia Thomas believes that asking Hill to apologize is a peace offering. In truth it is actually more akin to hitting Hill with a stick.

When something controversial, unkind, or potentially inflammatory is said -- one should be prepared to accept the consequences. Pretending that "no offense was intended" when that was precisely the intention is cowardly. Mrs. Thomas called Anita Hill a liar. That she continues to defend her husband is admirable if she truly believes his innocence. But she left a message that she knew would re-ignite a firestorm, and then tried to put herself above the fray by misrepresenting her intentions.

So what productivity-related habit does this relate to?

E-mail in the workplace is fraught with opportunities to spew thinly veiled venom and then plead ignorance when the recipient is offended. Whether the first e-mail begets a continuous thread of escalating bad behavior or causes trails of acid-fueled gossip around the water cooler -- productivity  and relationships suffer. Passive aggressive behaviors serve no one and hurt everyone.

What I see happening in the workplace is that we are hiding behind e-mail to say things we should be discussing face-to-face. And often e-mail gives us the courage to be ruthless. Rather than building closer connections, e-mail can erode our ability to relate to each other as people.

Being angry is OK. Having a strong opinion is OK ,too. Wanting someone to stop whatever annoying thing they are doing is entirely reasonable. But as grownups it's our responsibility to learn how to communicate like grownups. And when we willfully decide we're not going to, we need to admit it.

If you or someone you know needs to learn how to approach a challenging conversation, I can help.

Better Cell Phone Habits for Job Hunters

I'm contacting applicants who are applying for an entry-level position and I'm stunned by how they handle their cell phones. It's competitive out there people! With lots of applicants for few positions, it doesn't take much to be eliminated from the pool of candidates.

Here are a few simple tips for folks who are looking for a job and therefore have distributed a resume:

1. Try not to answer your phone sounding hostile because you don't recognize the number calling you. You have a resume out there, remember? You may be receiving calls from people you don't know yet. Other than your resume, your voice, in this moment, is the first impression you are giving.
2. When you answer the phone, begin speaking immediately with the caller by starting with a cheerful "hello", or "This is Bob (if that's your name)." Don't continue to have the face-to-face conversation you were engaged in and assume once you've answered, the caller will hang on, listening to your other conversation, until you are ready. If you can't end your conversation when the phone rings, then let the call go to voice mail.
3. Return calls when you can be focused on the call. Multitasking is a dumb idea anyway, but it's REALLY dumb when you are trying to make a good, professional impression.
4. Don't return calls when you are engaging in heavy lifting, exercise or walking your dog. Hearing your heavy breathing during this initial get-to-know-you phase is really...awkward.
5. Be careful about talking on the phone outside when there is any kind of wind. It may sound fine to you but to the caller it sounds like you are in the middle of a typhoon. And it hurts the eardrums.
6. Do not butt-dial the caller after you've gotten off the phone. And especially don't do it multiple times.

I feel much better, now back to these calls. Wish me luck. Yeesh.

How to have less stuff in your office.

It's pretty easy for an office to get out of control, stuff-wise. Things come into our space with very little effort, but it requires time and effort -- even if just a little bit of both -- to get things out of our space. I've just recently undertaken an office overhaul of my own. I have a small office in my home that was beginning to feel claustrophobic due to excess stuff. So bit by bit I'm unloading. It's quite liberating really.

An organized office (whatever that looks like to you) is more productive and goes a long way to helping us better manage our time.

Below I've broken down into categories the items that might be cluttering your office environment. Do your own assessment and see which areas stand out as ones that could stand some thinning. As far as getting down to work, some people prefer to set aside a full day to tackle the whole room but most don't have that luxury and need to fit de-cluttering into an already busy workday. If the latter describes you, then break your clean-out projects down into small tasks you can accomplish in 15 to 60 minutes at a time.

• Books - Look at each title. Have you read it? Will you read it ever, or again? Do you need to keep it for reference or have you assimilated the knowledge into your brain and no longer need the source? You can sell used books on-line or donate them to a local library or book fair. (In St. Louis you can drop off books year-round at the Macy's loading dock for the St. Louis Book Fair.)
• Binders - These can be from old projects, conferences, etc. Have you looked at them? Will you use them? Can they be thinned out and put in a paper file?
• Knick knacks/photographs - If it suits your style it's fine to have personal items around to make your office homier but it can also get out of hand. Look at each item and ask yourself if it really makes you happy to look at it or it's just been there so long you've been looking right past it. While you may not notice everything that's accumulated, you'll probably get a lift from seeing uncluttered space when some of that stuff is gone.
• Logo'd items - Who doesn't love a freebie! But first of all, only take stuff you'll use. Next do a sweep of your office occasionally and cast off items that are ratty, out-of-date, cumbersome to use, or just in the way. Again, it's like the knick knacks. These things multiply without some amount of effort to keep volume in check.
• Writing instruments - How many pens do you need? Ditch unreliable pens, half-dry markers and highlighters, pencil stubs, etc. Only keep as many writing instruments as can fit in the space where you keep them (pen cup or drawer compartment).
• Office supplies -- Only have on hand what you'll reasonably use in a short amount of time. Most people don't need 12 legal pads, 25 stacks of sticky notes, or 3 boxes of paper clips. If you're in a large office, that's what the supply closet is for. If you're in a home office, the big box office supply stores will ship free to your home if you spend $50, so you don't have to stock up for a year to save shipping costs.

One of the biggest clutter sources is paper, and I'll cover how to handle that one in a separate blog post.

It's good to get into the habit of doing an office clean-out every six months. That way it never gets too out of hand and therefore isn't a huge project to get it back to the way that works for you.

No Phone Zone

For years I've been suggesting to clients -- and anyone else who will listen -- to use time in the car to think-- and to STAY OFF OF THE PHONE.  I'm not a fan of multitasking in most cases, and talking on the phone (or worse, texting) is a multitasking habit that can have, and has had, grave consequences.

Statistics show that being on the phone is akin to driving drunk. It reduces brain activity associated with driving by 37%. For those who say talking on the phone is the same as talking to a passenger, I politely disagree.

As you may know, in January Oprah launched her No Phone Zone campaign and today is officially No Phone Zone Day. Ideally, starting today people would forever stop texting and talking on the phone in the car. Is that likely? No.

Some thoughts and steps in the right direction...

• Never text and drive. Never. Don't read texts. Don't write texts. If you've done it in the past and escaped any negative consequences, consider yourself lucky and know that luck will run out.
• Business-people are busier than ever and I hear almost every day that if time in the car isn't used to make phone calls there is no way that sufficient work can get done. So if you feel you must continue to conduct business from your car, at least vow to use voice dialing and hands-free equipment. Even that is not ideal, but it's a step.
• Consider where you are when you are on the phone. It's astounding seeing parents on the phone in the car line at school during drop-off and pick-up times. What does it say to a child that whoever is on the phone is more important than being in the moment to wish them a good day or to give them full attention greeting them at the end of the day? And, moreover, kids model parent's behavior. It's hypocritical for parents to scold or be surprised if their new teenage driver takes on the bad phone habits learned from years of watching their parents do the same.
• How important is the call? If something tragic happened and you had to tell the story about why you were on the phone at that time, how would you feel? Even if all that happened is that you wreck your own car -- no injuries -- how mad would you be at yourself?
• Almost every day I hear people lament about how busy life is. How there's barely a moment to relax on this giant hamster wheel of life. Well, the world isn't going to slow down for us so we have to proactively take back control of our own time and set boundaries. You want some quiet time? Make your car a No Phone Zone.
• Visit www.nophonezone.com to read sobering statistics, find out about resources to help you make a shift in your phone habits, and to take the No Phone Zone pledge. 

Do your non-verbals match your words?

While on vacation I went for a run in unfamiliar territory. A residential area, at one point I was charged by two barking dogs. Now I've never met a dog I didn't like so instead of being afraid, I stopped and tried to make friends. I started talking to the dogs in a sweet sing-songy (probably annoying-to-humans) voice and at the same time raised my hands up by my shoulders to show I was no threat.

Until it occurred to me that dogs, not being as familiar with armed robbery as humans, may have interpreted my raised hands as an attack posture instead of a submissive one. Despite the friendly words I was saying, the visual told them I was menace. Duh.

(At that point the owner called the dogs, who trotted into the house and I went on my way.)

How many times is our body language a mismatch with the words we're saying or the image we're trying to project? Any of these sound familiar?

• Networking to "build relationships" and instead of giving full focus on the current conversation, scanning the room for other people to meet.
• Assuring the other person you are listening, but continuing to check messages or text.
• Taking phone calls during meetings or meals.
• Saying "I agree" or "I accept your apology" while standing with your arms crossed across your stomach.

As with most other stuff I write about, I'm as guilty as the next guy of doing these things occasionally. And when I do, the offense is with people I know well and so think I can get away with it. Awareness and focus are mandatory in order to stop the behavior, so I'm focusing on being aware.

I'm curious if you have other examples. If so, share!

Get better at anything with practice and patience.

My son had to do a presentation on germs today. He's 10...and 3/4. Understandably, he was nervous so we did some practicing last night. We talked about how Olympic athletes probably get nervous before they compete, but because they have practiced what they are about to do so many times, they can also can feel confident that they can deliver their best when they need to.

I was telling this same story to my coach, Lynn Erlinger, this morning. Further along during the call we talked about how I'd done with meeting all the goals I'd put in place for myself for the last week. Some goals were met and other not, and as people tend to do, my focus was on what I hadn't accomplished.

Lynn suggested that I "lean into" meeting those goals rather than expect 100% from the start. Just like my son, I need to practice doing the behaviors and each week I'll get better and better at doing them and feel more and more confident that I will do what I want to do when I need to do it.

Patience. While I wouldn't dream of expecting 100% perfection from my clients, I wasn't allowing myself the same grace. My clients will often say they feel like they shouldn't need someone like me to help them change the behaviors they want to change. They know what to do, they just simply need to do it. I could say the same thing about having a coach myself. But having someone in my corner to provide a new perspective, bolster me when I'm flagging, problem solve, and hold me accountable makes all the difference in how much success I achieve relative to my goals and how I feel about the journey.

Today Lynn reminded me about being patient with myself. So if you need to be patient with yourself, here's your reminder.

Lessons From a Broken Wrist

January 20th I broke my wrist. Got clocked from behind by a worse ice skater than me. I'm on the mend and the experience has left me just a bit wiser about a few things.

1. Being brave is overrated. For many of us our first reaction to an injury is often "No. I'm fine. I'll be OK." Which is what I was saying while I was unable to get up off of the ice and while I was grimacing in pain at the side of the rink. How dumb was that? You don't get any points for being brave. What you also don't get is help. Fortunately for me a few friends there ignored my words and stepped in to get an ice pack, offered to help me get my son home, and took a quick look at my arms and advised a trip to the ER.
2. Same advice as above goes for deciding to forgo pain medications and tough it out. Failure to get adequate sleep, which is what pain meds can help avoid, will affect your state of mind and therefore your healing. Stay ahead of the pain and get your rest.
3. Glad Press & Seal does a pretty good job of protecting your limb in the shower. Using it you still need to keep the limb out of the direct stream of water, but it will keep your cast from getting wet from the spray.
4. I never realized that pins used to stabilize the bone during healing actually PROTRUDE FROM THE SKIN. Ugh. I can't even put into words how creeped out I was by that whole thing. And I was paralyzed with fear about the removal process, which is done in the office. Turns out it wasn't so bad. Much ado about very little. If it ever happens to you, now you know.
5. Regarding the above, I had a few minutes to wait in the doctor's office and as my anxiety mounted I knew I had to get out of my own head. In those few minutes I texted supportive messages to a number of people that I knew were going through medical or family challenges of their own. As crummy as my situation felt at the time, putting it in perspective helped. I want to remember that in the future.
6. This last one was not a new lesson, but an affirming one. People are truly kind. Folks brought food for me and my family, sent flowers, gave me rides to medical appointments, tied my running shoes, walked with me when I couldn't run, loaned me a really great sling, sent encouraging notes and emails, and gave me hugs -- which was one of the most appreciated things of all.

News Flash: Just complaining is not productive.

Arguably, if one is of that mindset, there is much that can be complained about. Globally, nationally (regardless of who is elected), in the office, in the home. If someone wants to complain they will most assuredly find something to complain about and just as likely collect others who will jump on the grousing bandwagon.

So the question I ask of complainers is, what are your going to DO about it? Complaining is easy, requires no training and little imagination. It also erodes productivity. It wastes time, brings everyone down and does nothing to change the situation.

I've been in a couple of negatively charged situations recently where I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee from the room. Stop with the complaining already!

Make it a habit to be a part of the solution. If you don't know what the solution should be, all the better. Engage people in thoughtful, reasonable discussion. Don't assume everyone within earshot agrees with your complaints. Learn about different ways of looking at issues and situations. Devise a plan - whether you hope to make an incidental or significant impact - to do something to change what inspires you to complain.

Whew. I feel better now.

More later.

Creating a routine

This is quite simple and can be done quickly. So simple in fact, that I may be able to hear a collective "duh" when I tell you how. But as simple as it may be people tend not to do it. One of the primary reasons for not doing so being that routine equals boring. Who wants to be boring?

But in practice, having routines that help you accomplish repetitive tasks quickly actually leaves more time for you to do things that interest you and make you more interesting to others. Save your creative impulses for tasks where the outcome can be significantly impacted by thinking of new and original ways to do it.  Make planning your day as routine as you need to in order to get it done quickly and effectively.

Here's an example of how you might go about planning your day. Drop your stuff in your office, fire up the computer and hang your coat on the back of the door on the way to get a cup of coffee or glass of water to start the day. Back at your desk, pull out of your brief bag anything you may have taken home last night (and now brought back - completed or not). Also pull together the papers that you have to, or hope to, deal with today. Open up your paper or electronic calendar so you can see what kinds of appointments and tasks you have for the day. Reviewing the information in front of you and knowing what kind of time will be taken up with appointments, meetings, etc., choose the top three things you would like to get done in order to feel that at the end of the day you've been productive. Either make a note of those tasks, or put papers that jog your memory about those tasks in a specific place on your desk so you can refer to them without hunting for them.

Pretty simple right? Note that though I said to fire up your computer when you walk in the door, that's so it can boot up and be ready when you need it. It's not so you can check email first thing in the morning. Checking email should be done after you've planned your day. If you need to scan the sender list quickly in order to see if an email you've received will create a task that may be in your top three, that's fine. The thing is, most of us get stuck responding to relatively unimportant emails while important tasks get put on the back burner. But that's another post.

You can create routines for many tasks and I recommend you do. Over time it will save you time and who doesn't want that?