Better Life Habits

Do your non-verbals match your words?

While on vacation I went for a run in unfamiliar territory. A residential area, at one point I was charged by two barking dogs. Now I've never met a dog I didn't like so instead of being afraid, I stopped and tried to make friends. I started talking to the dogs in a sweet sing-songy (probably annoying-to-humans) voice and at the same time raised my hands up by my shoulders to show I was no threat.

Until it occurred to me that dogs, not being as familiar with armed robbery as humans, may have interpreted my raised hands as an attack posture instead of a submissive one. Despite the friendly words I was saying, the visual told them I was menace. Duh.

(At that point the owner called the dogs, who trotted into the house and I went on my way.)

How many times is our body language a mismatch with the words we're saying or the image we're trying to project? Any of these sound familiar?

• Networking to "build relationships" and instead of giving full focus on the current conversation, scanning the room for other people to meet.
• Assuring the other person you are listening, but continuing to check messages or text.
• Taking phone calls during meetings or meals.
• Saying "I agree" or "I accept your apology" while standing with your arms crossed across your stomach.

As with most other stuff I write about, I'm as guilty as the next guy of doing these things occasionally. And when I do, the offense is with people I know well and so think I can get away with it. Awareness and focus are mandatory in order to stop the behavior, so I'm focusing on being aware.

I'm curious if you have other examples. If so, share!

Get better at anything with practice and patience.

My son had to do a presentation on germs today. He's 10...and 3/4. Understandably, he was nervous so we did some practicing last night. We talked about how Olympic athletes probably get nervous before they compete, but because they have practiced what they are about to do so many times, they can also can feel confident that they can deliver their best when they need to.

I was telling this same story to my coach, Lynn Erlinger, this morning. Further along during the call we talked about how I'd done with meeting all the goals I'd put in place for myself for the last week. Some goals were met and other not, and as people tend to do, my focus was on what I hadn't accomplished.

Lynn suggested that I "lean into" meeting those goals rather than expect 100% from the start. Just like my son, I need to practice doing the behaviors and each week I'll get better and better at doing them and feel more and more confident that I will do what I want to do when I need to do it.

Patience. While I wouldn't dream of expecting 100% perfection from my clients, I wasn't allowing myself the same grace. My clients will often say they feel like they shouldn't need someone like me to help them change the behaviors they want to change. They know what to do, they just simply need to do it. I could say the same thing about having a coach myself. But having someone in my corner to provide a new perspective, bolster me when I'm flagging, problem solve, and hold me accountable makes all the difference in how much success I achieve relative to my goals and how I feel about the journey.

Today Lynn reminded me about being patient with myself. So if you need to be patient with yourself, here's your reminder.

Lessons From a Broken Wrist

January 20th I broke my wrist. Got clocked from behind by a worse ice skater than me. I'm on the mend and the experience has left me just a bit wiser about a few things.

1. Being brave is overrated. For many of us our first reaction to an injury is often "No. I'm fine. I'll be OK." Which is what I was saying while I was unable to get up off of the ice and while I was grimacing in pain at the side of the rink. How dumb was that? You don't get any points for being brave. What you also don't get is help. Fortunately for me a few friends there ignored my words and stepped in to get an ice pack, offered to help me get my son home, and took a quick look at my arms and advised a trip to the ER.
2. Same advice as above goes for deciding to forgo pain medications and tough it out. Failure to get adequate sleep, which is what pain meds can help avoid, will affect your state of mind and therefore your healing. Stay ahead of the pain and get your rest.
3. Glad Press & Seal does a pretty good job of protecting your limb in the shower. Using it you still need to keep the limb out of the direct stream of water, but it will keep your cast from getting wet from the spray.
4. I never realized that pins used to stabilize the bone during healing actually PROTRUDE FROM THE SKIN. Ugh. I can't even put into words how creeped out I was by that whole thing. And I was paralyzed with fear about the removal process, which is done in the office. Turns out it wasn't so bad. Much ado about very little. If it ever happens to you, now you know.
5. Regarding the above, I had a few minutes to wait in the doctor's office and as my anxiety mounted I knew I had to get out of my own head. In those few minutes I texted supportive messages to a number of people that I knew were going through medical or family challenges of their own. As crummy as my situation felt at the time, putting it in perspective helped. I want to remember that in the future.
6. This last one was not a new lesson, but an affirming one. People are truly kind. Folks brought food for me and my family, sent flowers, gave me rides to medical appointments, tied my running shoes, walked with me when I couldn't run, loaned me a really great sling, sent encouraging notes and emails, and gave me hugs -- which was one of the most appreciated things of all.

So. Who is living the fairy tale?

Over the holidays I read the biography of Grace Kelly. She died  25 years ago and while I knew a little about her -- beautiful, accomplished actress, princess, mother -- I knew very little of her back story. The media spotlight on Princess Diana and her sister-in-law, the Duchess of York, had done enough to make even most of us die-hard romantics realize that fairy tales really are just that. But before I read the book I thought Princess Grace probably had it pretty good.

The outside picture was of a child of privilege who turned into a stunning, Oscar-winning actress who became a beloved Princess and wanted for nothing.

Hoo boy was I wrong. Overbearing, verbally-abusive parents, seriously troubled siblings, a serially poor chooser of men, a strained marriage, willful children (in their youth), and a chronic sadness about abandoning the acting career she loved. being a Princess was not at all what she had assumed.

I've looked at acquaintances in a room or an office and thought, "Wow. They've really got it all." The problem with assuming that about people is that then we also set up expectations for how they should behave based on the imaginary life we've constructed for them. And when they don't behave that way we can pass inaccurate judgments about them.

Often we never know enough about another person to know what they are grappling with on a daily basis. Maybe the best plan is to assume that like ourselves, everyone is dealing with something challenging and so with open hearts and minds, we decide to support them in whatever way we can. Even if that support takes the form of simply choosing not to judge.

Put into practice it has sweeping ramifications on our daily interactions.

News Flash: Just complaining is not productive.

Arguably, if one is of that mindset, there is much that can be complained about. Globally, nationally (regardless of who is elected), in the office, in the home. If someone wants to complain they will most assuredly find something to complain about and just as likely collect others who will jump on the grousing bandwagon.

So the question I ask of complainers is, what are your going to DO about it? Complaining is easy, requires no training and little imagination. It also erodes productivity. It wastes time, brings everyone down and does nothing to change the situation.

I've been in a couple of negatively charged situations recently where I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee from the room. Stop with the complaining already!

Make it a habit to be a part of the solution. If you don't know what the solution should be, all the better. Engage people in thoughtful, reasonable discussion. Don't assume everyone within earshot agrees with your complaints. Learn about different ways of looking at issues and situations. Devise a plan - whether you hope to make an incidental or significant impact - to do something to change what inspires you to complain.

Whew. I feel better now.

More later.

Creating a routine

This is quite simple and can be done quickly. So simple in fact, that I may be able to hear a collective "duh" when I tell you how. But as simple as it may be people tend not to do it. One of the primary reasons for not doing so being that routine equals boring. Who wants to be boring?

But in practice, having routines that help you accomplish repetitive tasks quickly actually leaves more time for you to do things that interest you and make you more interesting to others. Save your creative impulses for tasks where the outcome can be significantly impacted by thinking of new and original ways to do it.  Make planning your day as routine as you need to in order to get it done quickly and effectively.

Here's an example of how you might go about planning your day. Drop your stuff in your office, fire up the computer and hang your coat on the back of the door on the way to get a cup of coffee or glass of water to start the day. Back at your desk, pull out of your brief bag anything you may have taken home last night (and now brought back - completed or not). Also pull together the papers that you have to, or hope to, deal with today. Open up your paper or electronic calendar so you can see what kinds of appointments and tasks you have for the day. Reviewing the information in front of you and knowing what kind of time will be taken up with appointments, meetings, etc., choose the top three things you would like to get done in order to feel that at the end of the day you've been productive. Either make a note of those tasks, or put papers that jog your memory about those tasks in a specific place on your desk so you can refer to them without hunting for them.

Pretty simple right? Note that though I said to fire up your computer when you walk in the door, that's so it can boot up and be ready when you need it. It's not so you can check email first thing in the morning. Checking email should be done after you've planned your day. If you need to scan the sender list quickly in order to see if an email you've received will create a task that may be in your top three, that's fine. The thing is, most of us get stuck responding to relatively unimportant emails while important tasks get put on the back burner. But that's another post.

You can create routines for many tasks and I recommend you do. Over time it will save you time and who doesn't want that?

A routine is easier to create than a habit.

Many of us would like to have better habits around any number of ways of being. Sleep habits, eating habits, time management habits, or exercise habits. Why is it so hard to create a new habit? Maybe it's in the very definition of the word.

"Habit: an automatic pattern of behavior in reaction to a specific situation; may be inherited or acquired through frequent repetition."

"Automatic" infers that this behavior simply happens without even giving it a thought. It's quite likely that you have some habits that are ingrained. Putting on a seat belt perhaps, or your work commute. You don't think about it, it just happens. In fact I'll bet you've had times when you pulled into the garage and for the life of you couldn't remember even making the drive home. Habit.

But how long did you have to do those things before they became automatic? A month? A year? Longer?

The last words of that definition "acquired through frequent repetition" provide important insight. In order to develop a habit, first focus on creating a routine. Routine is an "unvarying method or procedure" allowing you to move forward without having to make lots of decisions. Repeat the same routine everyday and at some point you may just develop a habit.

Some activities are perfect opportunities to develop a routine. Getting ready in the morning, planning your workday, shopping for groceries, etc. Tomorrow I'll lay out a simple plan for creating routines for, well, routine tasks. See you then.

Are you an escalator or an elevator?

Have you ever gotten an e-mail that reads rather nasty in tone? Of course you have. E-mail is modern day body armor. People will say stuff on e-mail they would never have the guts to say face-to-face. What do you do when you get one of those e-mails?

If you fire something back of equal or greater rudeness, you're an escalator. You take a bad situation and escalate it to new heights (or depths) of passive aggressiveness. It may feel good in the moment to "show them I won't be talked to that way" but we all know it's just going to get uglier and what does that accomplish other than providing evidence that two people can be unprofessional and childish? Bravo.

On the other hand, what if, upon receiving such an e-mail, you elevated the level of understanding and professionalism? You don't take the bait that nasty e-mail sender is dangling, ignore the veiled dig and respond in a way that reflects your values and maturity. I'm thinking that might be the better option.

We know in our gut when we are crafting an e-mail in such a way as to be able to twist the knife and deny our intention to do so at the same time. Think carefully about participating in this no-win battle of words. Certainly resist the temptation to start such an e-mail thread and most definitely refuse to participate in an ongoing one.

21 Day Myth Busted!

Thanks to Twitter I learned about a very informative post on the very topic I wrote about earlier this week. Stephen Smith did the background research and found that, yes indeed, there is no (save for one very specific experiment) research to back up the idea that it takes 21 days to develop a new habit.

While I was at it I Googled the subject and found many many other posts on both sides of the fence. Though I must add that most of the links supporting the idea that it can be done were selling a program on how to do it!

I don't know about you but I feel lots better with the knowledge that this old saw can be moved to the trash heap.

Stephen Smith's post from Productivity in Context is well researched and has some great tips if you do indeed want to change some habits. And who doesn't? Check it out. http://bit.ly/xuChM

Is "21 Days to Develop a New Habit" Nonsense?

I, like thousands of other folks, have spent years spouting this fact in casual conversation and as part of speeches and articles. I've never done any actual research on that particular notion but if I were to use personal and client experiences as evidence, I'd have to say that there's not much to support the theory.

In refuting the old saw, it helps to first agree on the definition of habit, which according to www.dictionary.com is "an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary."

I've exercised pretty regularly for years and yet I'd hardly call the effort to get out the door "almost Involuntary." Putting on the seat belt is a habit. Checking the Blackberry is a habit and the internal debate rages on whether that's good or not so good. (Calling it "bad" is just too downright negative.)

Perhaps a more realistic name for this blog would be BetterLifeThingsToTryToDoOnARegularBasis -- which is a more accurate descriptor. Or maybe I just haven't been at some of these things long enough. When I'm 90 that exercise thing is totally going to be a HABIT.

As usual I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Do you have a real life example of a habit you developed in 21 days? Is it nonsense? What say you?